Last night was my Mom’s birthday, it was a nice night, my uncle made chicken and dumplings, my daughter even ate some!
My older brother and his wife were there, sometimes he can be a nice guys other times he can be such a complete dick. Last night was a night when he was a complete dick. I got over to my uncles, was enjoying our conversation, when in the middle of it all, he randomly says ” are you bipolar?” When I replied “no” ( with a funny look on my face) he said “I was watching a show and I think you are” I wanted to get into the mechanics of bipolar but he just put his hand in my face and said “stop!” ” I learnt how to deal with you in the show last night night as well” I was so irritated, and upset, but of course any rebuttal wasn’t going to be listened too, and it was my moms birthday, like I wanted to ruin it by fighting with him, none the less, it changed my mood and I am irritated that I let him get under my skin – again. I’m not sure why I did, he seems to be the only one that can irritate me and get under my skin like that! I do and have suffered from depression in the past, and up until that point, I thought I was making great strides- well I have been making great strides, I shouldn’t let one comment overtake the accomplishments I have made!
I sure do wish he would understand mental illness at a whole though.
As I lay in bed with my 3 year old draped across me, hand down my shirt, head in my armpit, I realize that I have done many things in the past 19 years that if I had not been a parent I would have never have done otherwise. I admit, I may have forgotten many of the things that my 19 year old son has done In The past, I think God gave parents this ability so we could have more children, because I sure that if I could remember not only the pain of childbirth, but the way I slept before kids I am almost positive that I would have only had one!
Last night, after washing all of the sheets on our bed, my beautiful daughter peed on them, with me right beside her, her father had the sense, after being kicked several times, to move to his designated spot on the couch, so the lucky bastard did not get peed on! Instead of hauling my ass out of bed at 2am, I threw a towel down over the spot and carried on sleeping, if someone else had told me that story, I probably would be silently judging them and their ability to sleep on a pee bed, while I nodded silently agreeing that there was no other option! Ha!
So after waking up, the first thing I did was make a coffee, and had an extra shot of my dynamaxx. The colonel ( aka: caecey) demanded cartoons as is out usual morning ritual when I’m not working. I explained that she peed the bed last night and I had to clean it up, to which she replied “NO, I DIDN’T”. I pondered this statement for a bit deciding whether or not I was mentally prepared to argue with a three year old yet, I wasn’t, I guess I peed the bed. Caecey then offered to help me strip the sheets and clean the bed, so sweet! As soon as the sheets were off, she started to jump on the bed, I asked her not to and explained that the mattress was wet and stinky, she replied “why Mommy?!” By this time my coffee and dynamaxx had kicked in so was was more prepared to argue with her, so I replied that she had peed the bed, she obviously knew I was better prepared, so she said “oh! Ok, I have to pee” and ran off to the bathroom as if nothing had happened.
Last night, she used the couch as a Kleenex, spreading her boogers all over the arm, and I was just happy I noticed it before I put my head down on it! The times I have tripped on, stepped on or fallen on toys I can’t count on any more, milk spills, poop accidents, you name it I more then likely have done it, in fact her latest thing is farting in her hand and throwing it in my face saying ‘cup of fart’ ( I may or may not have had a part in this new found skill)
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS!?
Because when she puts those tiny arms around my neck and says “I love you mommy!” Makes it all worth it! I do believe that is the magic ingredient that makes me forget all!
Yesterday was a day filled with inter facility transfers for my partner and I, our first one ended up being 2- we picked up a little one from air ambulance, in an accident where a fireplace mantel that the little one was hanging on fell on her head, it was crushed, the kid has survived but with extensive brain injuries and will likely never be the same not to mention the seizure disorder the family will have to deal with. After dropping off that patient, we had to wait with the air ambulance crew for another paediatric patient that had a spontaneous bleed, it was quite lengthy transfer as they were finishing up in the OR attempting to stabilize her for transport to a paediatric facility, as we were just the transfer crew we didn’t partake in treatment of any sort, there was several team members there and I was watching the family of this child – the mother just wanted to hold her child but 2 family members were hiding her back or up while we secured the child on our stretcher. The crew was busy making sure all of the equipment was in its place and didn’t notice she wanted to touch her child, so as soon there was an appropriate time I told
her to give her baby a kiss good bye, it was the softest of kisses after taking a minute to find a spot on the face which wasn’t covered in tape or a bandage. She broke down even more after that sobbing and crying, the rest of the family members held her up allowing only her to cry, you could see in their faces that they were all in pain and were scared, at this time I welled up and almost started to weep myself, they were there, but I didn’t allow them to fall.
This type of call would have bothered me before, but not to the point where I would tear up in front of the family.
I don’t know what bothers me about this, I don’t know maybe I’m losing my edge.
Well my journey into more natural things has been interesting…I use to feel that the word journey was overused with regards to spiritual and lifestyle changes, but it is the only word to describe this process!
I have been meditating for a little under a year, trying to study the chakra system, and align myself in a new spiritual path. I have read books and bought numerous audiobooks to assist me with my meditation ritual- I have always had a hard time focusing and these definitely help me to focus! I recently went to a holistic studio to have a chakra rebalancing session. I am still clinging to my western school of thought, so I figured at the very least it would be nice and relaxing. What I got from this was much more then I anticipated- I figured that some crunchy granola, new aged ‘weirdo’ would be doing the TX, but Sarah, the owner of the studio, visually looked completely normal – to see her in the street I would not have thought her to be as ‘new age’ as she is. She leads a perfectly normal life with a partner who works in corrections and a couple of kids. She grew up on a farm outside of the city, I instantly liked her, and respected her for the fact that she was able to go down her path despite the social stigmata that she likely faced with it! Any way back to the chakra rebalancing session, it was amazing, with all of the meditation that I have done over the past 10 months or so, the feeling that I had when I left was the feeling that I have been trying to achieve with my meditation, I felt light, and clear of my negative feelings, I felt like the weight of all of my problems had been lifted off of my shoulders, I simple felt amazing! Then as a typical western thought person, I started to feel scared and disappointed that this feeling would pass and it totally ruined my zen😜 instead of enjoying the enlightenment that I had, I reverted back to old patterns of thinking…this is where I think that I need to rewrite my belief system. I must admit that coming from a very strong catholic background this is/will be hard to do, consciously and unconsciously. Am I worshiping a false god!? Is this the path God has laid out for me? I struggle with these question a lot, even though I am not a practicing catholic. I want to find my own path, is talking to people and using them as a way to find my path wrong? am i focusing on what other people’s opinions are to much!?
I am so confused.